After my last Monument to Northwick commute, I was hoping to read nice stories, but not only did MP's vote down a recommendation to abolish the "John Lewis list", I've also seen on BBC Online that a man dialled 999 to report THE MOON.

He thought it was a UFO.

Had this man been living underground with the Wombles' Welsh cousins for twenty years? Was he only awake during daylight hours for most of his life? Or is he just an utter waste of sperm?

I'd incline towards the latter. In fact, I would like to quote the great Rowan Atkinson in the awesome Wedding sketch, during the Father of the Bride section. I wouldn't trust that unnamed man to sit the right way around on a lavatory.

How South Wales Police were able to refrain from telling him that you could catch the moon's reflection if you spent long enough kneeling by it I do not know. Our police are stretched enough without this.

According to the BBC online article, callers also rang to ask for help in voting on the X-factor and for a pound for a supermarket shopping trolley (cue the obvious jokes).

Did the fool in question think that the police would drive to his house and hand over a pound coin, ruffle his hair and say "Now, enjoy your shopping, Sir. If you need a hand with getting it to your clown car, there's an ambulance crew over there on their break."

I posted some time ago about hoax callers in Cheshire and Meresyside, and I feel the same about idiot callers. These people should have their phones disconnected for six months for the first stupid call, and forever for the second call. They should be banned from using a mobile phone, which could involve banks refusing to accept top-up requests from their account. They should also be forced to pay for the cost of the callout and attend some community service.